TW: self-harm
Hello (again — to you few who perhaps forgot to unfollow me after I became very, very inactive on here),
A lot has happened in my life. I have become an avid journal-keeper. So far, my journals have been restricted to the analog realm, but recently my thoughts have become so multitudinous that even my speedy scrawl seems stinted.
So, I am considering an attempt at restarting this blog, but perhaps veering away from the “bookish” nature, and more towards the “ponderings” (although, as a person who is also bookish, perhaps that allows my thoughts to remain “bookish ponderings”).
I’m currently at my childhood home, dog-sitting for my parents for two weeks as they are on holiday. I am trying my best to use this time to rest, but also as a personal test. Now I am isolated from my friends in rural Wales, I had the idea of trying to avoid one of my more detrimental compulsions; reassurance seeking.
I imagine that reassurance-seeking, as far as compulsions go, seems fairly innocent, but I have realised that it is when I am pushing up against this urge — to interrogate incessantly, to seek salience and chase clarity — that my thoughts most spiral within themselves: leading to waves of guilt, shame and hopelessness.
This is what I need to conquer. This is what causes me to hurt myself.
I will explain more later.
Talk soon,
Becky
Bookish Ponderings 